Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
