Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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