She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
