In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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