last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
