I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
