Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
