On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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