last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
