you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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