So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
