i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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