Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize