is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
