I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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