i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
