New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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