If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
