I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
