This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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