Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
