i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
