she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
