So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
