my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
