i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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