Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
