Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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