Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she looked like the before picture.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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