Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
