Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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