FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
