I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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