you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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