Your dad touched me again.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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