I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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