He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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