my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
