she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
