I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
