youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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