For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
