every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
