i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
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