my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
