We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
