I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
