I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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