I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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