how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
