since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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