I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
