College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Everyone says I win the strip club
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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