i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
