one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I have fence marks all over my body
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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