tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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