I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
