I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
