the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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