ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
