Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
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