I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
