my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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