Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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