Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
