God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
