i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
