Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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