we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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